In this episode, Sarah talks to Anna Kingsley, a relationship, psychosexual and addiction therapist. They talk about how couples therapy works, when to seek help for your relationship, and what to do when you want to end things. They also touch on Anna’s work as with addiction and sexuality.
In this episode, Sarah talks to Anna Kingsley, a relationship, psychosexual and addiction therapist.
They talk about how couples therapy works, when to seek help for your relationship, and what to do when you want to end things. They also touch on Anna’s work as with addiction and sexuality.
Find out more about Anna from her website https://kingsleycounselling.com/
Welcome to Ask the Therapist, the podcast that invites you into the therapist room to explore the world of mental health, with me, your host, Sarah Rees.
Sarah Rees 00:20
Hello, and welcome to 2024 on Ask the Therapist. It's lovely to have you here. I want to wish you a big Happy New Year and hope that you're ready for the year ahead of you, and you had a lovely break and enjoyed the holidays. It can be a tricky time can't it, the holidays, when we spend more time than usual with our loved ones and partners and we're out of our routine. And if there's any stresses or strains, they kind of tend to bubble up to the surface at this time of the year. But don't worry, I've got you covered. Today I'm talking with psychotherapist Anna Kingsley who works with couples and in relationships. She's also got a special interest in addictions and psychosexual therapy. And she trained at this Tavistock Clinic, which is a really prestigious Psychotherapy Training Centre, and has worked with couples for over 15 years. She has a lovely down to earth no nonsense straightforward approach to supporting couples. I'll add the links to her website in the show notes. But sit back, relax, and let's listen to some straightforward practical advice from Anna. Hope you enjoy the episode.
Sarah Rees 01:32
So Hello, Anna, welcome to Ask the Therapist. Thank you so much for coming on and doing this interview with me.
Anna Kingsley 01:39
Oh, no, it's a pleasure, Sarah. I'm quite excited.
Sarah Rees 01:42
Fantastic. And the first question I wanted to ask because I'm very nosy as as therapists are, is being a therapist is a really interesting job, and I don't think I've ever heard the story of how you came to be a therapist, could you share that with us?
Anna Kingsley 01:57
Oh, yeah. Well, I guess, like so many good ideas it came off the back of a disastrous experience. So I'd been a journalist for quite a long time. And I absolutely loved the job. And the readers of the magazines that I wrote for. But I had a string of tricky bosses and that always soured the work. And then in 2005, I took a job in New York, which was supposed to be super exciting. And I was working for yet another tricky character. And so I decided, and you've got to have a plan B, because the next time you got a nasty boss, you need to be able to leave if it becomes difficult. So I had to have a second career to fall back on. Now, I happen to have lots of family in Brooklyn, and all of them are either therapists themselves or in therapy. And so after about a year of hanging out with them, every weekend, it got me thinking that maybe I could be a therapist, because obviously, I would be asking different questions to the questions I was asking as a journalist, but I've always been interested in people. And so when I came back to London, I enrolled in a course at the Tavistock and quickly realised that I'd found my home. I'd found something that excited me again.
Sarah Rees 03:12
And what is it you do now? Who do you work with?
Anna Kingsley 03:15
I work with three types of people. I work with those of us who've got relationship problems. So that could be anything from communication, breakdown and affair, a divorce, lack of trust, end of a relationship. I work with people who've got sexual difficulties. So again, that's pretty broad ranging. So that's anything from lack of intimacy, lack of desire, mismatch of desire, sex that goes wrong, painful sex, all sorts of different things. And then the last group of people I work with are those who've been affected by addiction. So that could be the person themselves who are struggling to stop their behaviour or people who are struggling to sort of stay sober or so many of us have been affected by addiction because we've got a loved one who's been an addict or a family member or a mother or father or something. So that work again, is pretty broad ranging. And I work in a little office in the bottom of a garden in Wimbledon village, which is about half a mile from the famous tennis courts. And just love it. It's quiet little sanctuary, and people come and see me and then they and then they go off to their day.
Sarah Rees 04:33
Lovely. Why did you choose to go into private practice? Was there a decision around that?
Anna Kingsley 04:39
Oh, well, I think I think Sarah, having had so many tricky bosses, it was an absolute no brainer for me. I didn't want another horrible boss. So as soon as I'd finished my training, I just set up by myself. I literally remember going to IKEA, I bought three chairs, a side table, a box of tissues and a clock, and that was it.
Sarah Rees 05:00
You're good to go!
Anna Kingsley 05:01
And then what else did I do? I set up a website, very simple, nothing flashy. And I signed on to Counselling Directory. And I waited for clients to get in touch. And very, very, very slowly. They didn't, I just built it up,
Sarah Rees 05:16
And you enjoy it?
Anna Kingsley 05:17
Oh my god. Yeah. So, at the beginning, my sister let me use her box room from her flat when she was, it was pre COVID. So she'd be out in her office. And I did that. I also sometimes used my spare room at home, but that I quickly realised was a bit of a disaster. I guess it depends. So so many therapists don't they, we work from home. But if you've got family, it can become problematic. And I remember when my daughter had just turned one. I had an early morning client on a Saturday morning, which I thought would be perfect. My husband can be upstairs looking after her and I'll be downstairs working. And then we can all go to the park. It was beautiful. Except it didn't work like that. Because one morning, my husband fell back to sleep and my little daughter toddled downstairs in her pyjamas and barged straight into the therapy session.
Sarah Rees 06:11
Course she did.
Anna Kingsley 06:12
So that was bad enough, Sarah. But guess, guess what my clients had been talking about? They'd been talking about whether or not they should have a child. And could they have a child? And would they be able to have a child? So in walked this baby! It was just...
Sarah Rees 06:28
I hope they were very generous with you.
Anna Kingsley 06:31
Yes. Oh, God. It was yeah, it was quite unprofessional. I literally had to scoop her up, run back upstairs, nudge my husband awake, and then run back down and apologise.
Sarah Rees 06:40
Oh, horrible. It's the worst nightmare, isn't it? So now you're in the bottom of your garden.
Anna Kingsley 06:45
Now I'm in the bottom of my garden. And my kids have grown up and they know not to interrupt me.
Sarah Rees 06:49
So as we record this, now, we are heading, steamrollering into the festive season. But as this episode is released, we're on the other side of it. So that's where people are listening at the moment. So we've all overspent, overindulged, and spent a lot of time with our loved ones. And what does that mean, for couples? I'm guessing that there's so much pressure this time of year, isn't there, that for couples that can lead to times a conflict difficult times? What do you notice in your practice in the new year?
Anna Kingsley 07:24
Oh, yes, it's definitely definitely a stressful time. I mean, oh, goodness. I mean, there are so many classic Christmas arguments. I don't know if you've ever had them. But I know I certainly have. How much time do we have to spend with family? Whose family do we have to be with? Who's drunk a bit too much? Whose job is it to tidy up and get up early the next morning with the kids? I just think the pressure to have a lovely Christmas can get to us all really quickly. And I think when there are already problems in the marriage, those cracks really can very quickly become gaping holes. And I think, you know, some families, they get to spend more time together at Christmas than they do throughout any other time of the year, except, of course, maybe when we're on holiday. But you know, you're on holiday, traditionally, I don't know, in a swimming pool, in the sun, things are easier. And here, you're in home, you've got to tidy up your own mess.
Sarah Rees 08:21
It's cold in the UK. It's cold. It's damp. We're out of our routine as well, aren't we?
Anna Kingsley 08:27
Yeah. So you know, confined to a house with miserable weather, restless kids, you know, looming bills in January, it can just be a recipe for a disaster. And, and of course, when you've got communication difficulties, it all can very quickly go wrong. And I think the other thing is that there are some couples who've stuck it out after, after the summer through autumn, they want to give their kids a nice Christmas, one last go before potentially, you know, New Year's separate, but the pressure to have then the perfect Christmas before we tell the kids we're splitting up. I mean, that is a guaranteed hotpot that's going to boil over. It's so very quickly couples lose the plot. You know, I think that's why very tiny arguments just escalate into massive things. And we all lose the plot about whether or not we should have had silver tinsel or gold tinsel. And it's not, it's never about that. I just think it's the expectations to have a wonderful time at this time of year when your marriage doesn't feel particularly wonderful, is really tough.
Sarah Rees 09:34
Yeah, yeah. Because we're navigating relationships with loved ones and family that often we don't have to navigate week to week. I see people over Christmas that I don't see month to month actually and that's fine. And there's probably reasons for that and then all of a sudden, on top of having a great time overeating and over drinking have to spend time with lots of these different people.
Anna Kingsley 09:58
Yeah, I tend not to take very much time off work over Christmas.
Sarah Rees 10:02
Do you? Because as a therapist, it's actually the time where I think I can have a full two weeks off, and I'm at home, but I find I find it difficult to be away from that routine.
Anna Kingsley 10:14
Yeah. Well, I often have clients who think, oh, we'll be fine. And then they book in for a session in the week before. And this time I've got somebody who I'm seeing on Christmas Eve. So it's just a, it's a difficult time. And that's why I think it becomes particularly busy for therapists in January, especially those of us working with couples and relationships.
Sarah Rees 10:37
Absolutely. And I a couple of years ago, used to have a therapy room in a solicitor's office, they were divorce lawyers, there were a really interesting bunch navigating lots of conflict year in year out. They were busy in January. Is that the first phone call, people should be making do you think?
Anna Kingsley 10:56
Oh, my goodness, no, I mean, even if you said the D word, don't call a divorce lawyer. The first thing I always think is actually do nothing. Do nothing for two weeks, sit on your hands, don't do anything. Just give yourself time for those emotions to settle down, then see how you feel. If you're still desperate to leave, don't call the divorce lawyer, then find a therapist. Because the therapist will help you work out what you really feel, what you want most, what can be fixed, what can't. And therapists are a lot cheaper than lawyers. So couples should come together if they can, or come alone, if they can't. And if they do end up divorcing, it will be a lot less painful and considerably cheaper if they've both done some therapy beforehand. And you know, any kids they have will be very grateful that they did because the reality is they can get divorced, but they'll still be in a relationship, it will just be a different kind of a relationship.
Sarah Rees 11:59
And some people might want to kind of the first phone call to be with a therapist. And often what I hear I don't do couples therapy, but I work obviously with people in relationships. And they might be open to seeing a therapist but the partner's not. And that can be really tricky can't it? Do you have any advice for somebody who's thinking this? We need to talk it through, to help encourage partners to come? And the other thing that I also hear is that if you see a therapist, if you go for couples therapy, that means it's over the relationships over is that?
Anna Kingsley 12:34
Oh, yeah. Well, okay, so I think the question of, I think we should come to therapy, but my partner doesn't. I think that's really hard, but I hear about it a lot. And I always say, in those circumstances, find the therapist anyway, do the legwork. Get in touch with the therapist, hear what the therapist has to say and how they work, so that you know that this could be a therapist who might be a good fit for you. And then simply share the information with your partner, tell them that you're going to go, tell them that you'd like them to come with you. If they don't want to come, go yourself, because that way, you're showing your partner that you're serious. And quite often at the last minute, they'll come. But even if you go by yourself, a lot can be achieved with just one half of the couple, actually. I see quite a few people where just one person wants to go, and their relationship gets improved hugely.
Sarah Rees 13:32
And then is the door always open for the other partner to come?
Anna Kingsley 13:37
Well, that's such a good question, Sarah, I, I mean, I think therapists will all have their own way of working. But in my head, I always think a couple of sessions with one half of the couple is fine. And then you could introduce the other one. But if you've been working too long with, let's say the husband, I don't think it's fair to bring the wife in at that point. Because by then you as the therapist, and the husband, you've got a bit of an alignment, you've got an understanding, and we don't want the other person to feel as if they're on the outside. So at that point, I would say, let me refer you to a colleague of mine. Let me help you find somebody and I pass him and then his wife on to somebody else.
Sarah Rees 14:24
Right, that makes sense. And does relationship therapy always mean divorce?
Anna Kingsley 14:29
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I don't know how long you've been working Sarah and I keep forgetting how old I am., so how long I've been doing it, but I've been seeing clients since 2007. So that's look, I can't even do the maths, but that's quite a long time. 16 years, 17 years. And if I thought that, what would we be doing it for right, we'd just be a stepping stone to divorce. Now I see people coming back from things they would never have imagined they would come back from. And I think also sometimes as I said, things can get completely blown out of proportion, totally misunderstood. And actually, if we get to whatever is underneath the argument about, you know, whatever it is, more often than not, the couples tend to agree. They may often come thinking that they're miles and miles apart. They're not, they're struggling from the same thing. And once you can identify some of the things that actually they have in common, things tend to calm down, and then we can talk and then we can think about it.
Sarah Rees 15:35
It's often communication, isn't it? We can get so wrapped up in our own distress, it's really hard to, to hear the other other person.
Sarah Rees 15:45
If you'd like to find out more about life behind the scenes of private practice, then why not join us in our Therapists Corner Substack Community? Therapists Corner on Substack offers an exclusive look behind the scenes of the business of therapy, bringing together diverse perspectives, and exploring the how and why at the business of therapy. Visit therapistscorner.co.uk to sign up or for more information.
Sarah Rees 16:12
From all those years of experience, when you see couples, can you see what works for some people are the things that we should be doing in our relationships to keep our relationships healthy, like date nights, or, you know, all those things? I know I've committed to things like that in the past, and they fall by the wayside, because just too busy and want to have a bath and go to bed. But should we be doing stuff like that?
Anna Kingsley 16:38
Well, that's a good question. I mean, I think I'm all up for a slap up meal or a pizza on Wednesday evening. But to your point, and I think you've you've illustrated it, I think the best advice needs to be about tweaking your everyday interactions. And at that point, I'm always reminded of the lessons we teach our kids, right, when they're really little, you know, the idea of, you know, you need to play nicely, you need to share your toys, you need to say sorry, if you've hurt somebody, you have to tidy up your mess, you have to sit down at the table together, you have to give somebody a biscuit if the're feeling sad, you have to hold hands and all. It's, I mean, all of us adults should be doing it. It's the little everyday interactions that actually tend to make a difference. So it's a simple thing of, you know, if you're in the kitchen and you walk past, somebody put a hand on their back, right? That's not a sexual thing. But that is a thing that says, you know, Hello, I've seen you. You're there and I'm, you know, or actually look at somebody in the eyes when you're speaking to them, or try talking to them when they're in the room, rather than standing at the bottom of the stairs, screaming at them. It's everyday interactions, actually, that will make the difference.
Sarah Rees 18:00
Sometimes I think about coming back to this, I can get you know, my only text is pick up milk, more milk. And I think I need to shake it up a little bit.
Anna Kingsley 18:12
Try saying hi, how are you? And then just put a kiss? Or I say, oh, somebody says, I don't have time to send texts. They're just silly. So I sort of said, well send a kiss, that 's it. You've got time to do that.
Sarah Rees 18:25
Yeah. Because I think those little things that you do, you know, over a span of five years, can put you in a very different place if you don't do that.
Anna Kingsley 18:35
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So often when I see couples, and we then start talking about the minutiae of their interaction, you know, like their morning routine, or their evening routine. And you just see how disconnected they are, because they're both working very hard, but they don't have any time because somebody's got to get up and walk the dog or, you know, they've got to do x y and z.
Sarah Rees 19:01
And it's where you are with your families, either small children or you know, it's nice to hear that there's not a long list of things we have to add to our to do list
Anna Kingsley 19:11
No, but it's just a really small thing. Like pick one thing and do that this week, every day for you know, seven days.
Sarah Rees 19:17
Yeah, and the qualities of your relationship would be so much better. So I know you also work in addictions and psychosexual therapies. These areas are so interrelated. And I know that we'll probably do another episode more specifically on that so if anybody has any questions they want to ask Anna do do drop me an email and let me know. But could you give us an overview of how these different areas overlap because I know you work across the broader the more real experience, but could you give us an overview?
Anna Kingsley 19:48
So after I set up in private practice as the relationship psychotherapist, I realised, even though I was working in central London, where most people were not British. We were all being frightfully British. And no one was saying a word about sex, which seemed to be so silly, given that we were there talking about adult relationships. And sex hadn't been a massive part of my training. We'd done a little bit about it, but not a lot. So I decided, I went back to the Tavistock and I did a master's degree in psychosexual therapy. And now, regardless of why you've said, you're coming for therapy, everyone who comes to my little office is asked about their sex life. Because I feel really passionately that it has to be part of the conversation.
Sarah Rees 20:38
And is everybody comfortable with that?
Anna Kingsley 20:40
Well, you know, what, actually, they are. You ask them, you know, very gently, how has this problem affected your sex life? And most people, they'll tell us. I've never had a person say, I'd rather not say. They're usually relieved to be discussing it, because it's something that people just can't talk about very easily. And then my addiction therapy work came off the back of my sex therapy work because I was approached about 10 years ago by a lovely couple. One partner had sobered up from a painful addiction and was doing brilliantly in their recovery. But the addiction had left the relationship and their sex life in tatters. And they were. So there were so many unaddressed feelings, and hang ups that had stopped them being intimate, and they didn't know how to repair things. And so that's why they came, and we had a different way of working because I had to learn quite quickly how addiction had impacted the sex, if it wasn't simply the breakdown of the relationship. And gradually, I've had more and more people in similar situations asking me for help their addictions under control, but there's a lot of work to do to repair the damage to the relationship, the damage to your self. When you're an addict, you slightly mess up your sense of yourself and your body. You become quite detached to your body, you start washing so much, you know, you hurt your body. So it's quite difficult then to connect to your body in a nice way, a loving way, goodness, and even an erotic way. So, you know, I think organisations like AAA or Smart Recovery do fantastic work for, for people to help them stay sober. But there isn't a lot in that to help them in the more personal side of things. So I think that's why people in recovery can really benefit from going to have some extra therapy on top of the meetings.
Sarah Rees 22:44
And I know in the work I do with individuals often now see a partner whose partner is getting lots of support for their addictions, but there isn't often much for them.
Anna Kingsley 22:57
Well, yeah, that's really interesting. And I think that what happens is, the partner sobers up, is in recovery. Their partner who spent X amount of months years anxious about their addiction, suddenly is able to stop monitoring, whether they're drinking or smoking or whatever, gambling. And finally, when they've stopped being on high alert, they're actually able to finally be angry, you know, and so what happens is, they come flooding with feelings that they haven't been able to voice because the partner has been passed out drunk, you know, so they can't deal with anything. And that's really difficult then for the partner who's sober, who's, who's doing what they think they should be doing. They're working hard at their sobriety, and why isn't their partner happy? Well, the partner is happy about that, but not happy about the 10 years they wasted.
Sarah Rees 23:52
Yeah. So just at the moment, you think everything should be coming together and getting better, it actually can get a bit more tricky.
Anna Kingsley 23:58
Absolutely. Absolutely. So again, they need a place to go.
Sarah Rees 24:04
Okay, that makes a lot of sense. And when is the right time for people to come for relationship therapy? Do you think?
Anna Kingsley 24:11
Oh, my goodness, I think that's such a great question. The obvious answer is, don't leave it too late. If it's bothering you, come now come before the problem gets worse. I mean, certainly, with couple dynamics, if you let the problems fester, then resentment builds up. And the resentment is really, really hard to work with. And I think that just interferes with all sorts of stuff. And I think with intimacy, the longer you wait, the more daunting it can feel to address those sexual problems because sex is so much in the mind. So the fear kicks in. And you just think, Oh, the shame. You know, we haven't had sex in 10 years, what will be, how on earth are we going to find our way back? And of course, with addiction well the sooner you face up to your fears, the sooner you'll find the peace you've been craving.
Sarah Rees 25:05
Do you find that there are more couples coming to you kind of before they get married, or when there's nothing wrong, and they just want to kind of, you know, I see it a lot more in individuals coming to me when they're like, nothing's hugely wrong, everything's going, okay, just want to understand the pattern of my mind. Or I would just want to get to know myself, or be the best version of myself. Do you see that more with couples? Or is that not coming through as yet? Because I think we are moving more towards preventative work, aren't we?
Anna Kingsley 25:37
Yeah, I think so. I suppose I see that sort of on the other side. So the flip of that question, you know, when should you come? The flip of that is, when should you leave. And what I do see is that I've got couples who stay for quite a long time for the reason that you've been talking about. So they've addressed their problem. They're back on track. But they've actually realised that there is a benefit to being in therapy, it's helpful to commit for 50 minutes once a week to sit and think about how they feel and for couples to do it together. Because when else are they going to have time to have conversation that isn't about domestic admin. So they carry on. So I've had clients, I've got clients who have been with me 8/9/10 years, not because they're still really struggling. But to your point, because they've seen a really a real benefit of doing the work so that they can stay on track. It's, I guess, it's a bit like, I went to Weight Watchers, I lost two stone, but I still go to the meetings because I don't want to put the weight back on.
Sarah Rees 26:42
Yeah, like seeing a personal trainer. That's what I was thinking about. Because if it's just on our agenda, it can fall off our agenda quickly. But if I have an appointment, I go to an appointment. So that would totally work for me.
Anna Kingsley 26:55
Exactly. I suppose I do see people coming before they get married. And I do slightly think, Oh, my goodness, you're getting married in six weeks, we've got more than you know, more time than six weeks.
Sarah Rees 27:07
I get people that are just about to have a baby four weeks off, having a baby with them worried about the like, the llabour process. Oh my gosh, we've not gotten started!
Anna Kingsley 27:17
Yeah, I also see people struggling to make those key decisions. So I've had people come because they can't agree, the conversations like should we have a baby, right? Where there really isn't a compromise. They can't resolve it themselves. So they come to see me and those problems, more often than not, they fix it and they decide to have the baby because, you know, it's once I voice the fact that it's okay to be ambivalent, where everybody relaxes, and they're quite, they're quite okay. So I see people coming with a key problem. That sort of a one off problem. I don't see yet so many people who think, everything is fine, let's go to therapy. I definitely see people staying for way longer than they imagined. And happily. So.
Sarah Rees 28:06
Yeah, that's that's often where some brilliant work takes place doesn't it? That's what I see in individual.
Anna Kingsley 28:13
Yeah, yeah, I become,. I'm so attached to some of my clients that I've been, you know, we do really important work. And they value the fact that they've got somewhere to go for once a week to just go and offload and think it through.
Sarah Rees 28:27
Yeah, absolutely. And if somebody was thinking, Oh, actually, maybe relationship therapy is for me, what would you look for in a, you know, where would you go about looking for a relationship therapist, because there aren't many too many about?
Anna Kingsley 28:43
Well, I think certainly one thing, having done a specific training on couples therapy, it really annoys me what some people say they can work with couples when they've had no training in it at all,
Sarah Rees 28:54
or a couple of days lies similar to CBT.
Anna Kingsley 28:58
Yeah. So if if you're going to try and find a therapist, a couple therapist, you know, check their qualifications. There are lots of us out there, I think it is becoming more popular.
Sarah Rees 29:12
What kind of qualifications would somebody be looking for?
Anna Kingsley 29:15
A postgraduate diploma, something that says I've probably done this for more, as you say, than six weeks?
Sarah Rees 29:23
Yeah. So like you've done the Masters, postgraduate diploma, that kind of level that you'd be looking for. So they've done the basic therapeutic training, and then they've additionally done a diploma or a masters. Yeah, it makes a lot sense. And are there any specific books or resources that you recommend to couples who want to work on the relationship that might not be ready for therapy yet or just want to prepare or want to look into it a bit further?
Anna Kingsley 29:49
I think there are some fantastic experts out there and you can't go wrong with immersing yourself in a bit of Esther Pearl's work. She's, she's phenomenal. This wonderful, Belgian-American therapist. She's everywhere. She's she's got books and podcasts and she's on YouTube. But what I like to tell my clients, I guess what they often come in that first session very anxious. And they might leave saying, what should we do before we see you next. And I think the piece of advice I tend to give out is the simplest, try being kind. Even if you don't want to be kind, just do it anyway. I know, you hate him, or you hate her, or, you know, just be kind. Kindness makes the hard stuff a lot easier to digest. And it doesn't take much to be kind. It's harder to do than to say, I get it. But, you know, sometimes the simplest stuff is what works.
Sarah Rees 30:52
Yeah, sometimes we look for really big solutions that we get to, we can't achieve them. We can't fit them into our work, you know, in our day to day lives, but it's the simple things, isn't it?
Anna Kingsley 31:03
It's small. It's the simple interaction. So offer to make him a cup of tea, say thank you look at him in the eye. You know, just be considerate.
Sarah Rees 31:13
I suppose another question I'd like to ask is, you know, because people come very nervous. What kind of things happened in the first therapy session?
Anna Kingsley 31:22
I just let my clients talk a lot. I tend not to ask them too many questions. We might touch on, so I will always say what's made you think of coming now? And I'm always quite keen to find out why now, the problems been going on for 10 years? But so why did you think you know, what's tipped you over the edge to make you think this is it, we've got to sort it out? And I might ask them a little bit about their backgrounds, about how they got together, the history of their relationship. I try to look for the good stuff, as well as just the problems. I tried to help them think about their strengths as well as the things that aren't working now.
Sarah Rees 32:04
It's nice, it's nice to give people an idea of how they can prepare and kind of a little bit of well, what they can expect.
Anna Kingsley 32:11
Yeah, I always try and keep five minutes at the end to be really clear about who I am. How I work. What I do. What I don't do. What I can promise. What I really haven't got a magic wand, can't fix everything. And I think I just tell people come if you're going to come, don't pretend, don't hide, don't be what you think the perfect client should be. Bring your mess. Bring it all, we'll sort it all out.
Sarah Rees 32:39
Yeah. And the question that I asked all my guests, is, if you could go back in time, what would you say to your 15 year old self?
Anna Kingsley 32:49
Oh, my goodness, Sarah. Well, obviously, there are quite a few boyfriends I would want to warn myself about! Ditch him. Move on to the next, don't even stop. Don't even look back. But I think I would also want to whisper, don't worry that you didn't get picked for the netball team. It really doesn't matter. Because one day Anna, you will have five London Marathon medals hanging on the back of your door.
Sarah Rees 33:18
Didn't know that about you!
Anna Kingsley 33:20
Yeah. And I was thinking about this because I think it's just such a good example of how we're all capable of more than we think. And life changes and we grow. We're capable, you know, things change. We don't, they don't stay the same. Life changes. Sometimes in the most wonderful and unexpected ways. We're not who we we were. We changed. We grow, constantly evolving.
Sarah Rees 33:45
And if somebody's listening to this now, which I'm sure many people listening to this, thinking this might be just worth a go. How could they find you? How could they work with you if they wanted to work with you? Because I think your expertise is just so specialised I think it's so needed, these overlaps of experience and knowledge you've got but so hard to find.
Anna Kingsley 34:09
Yeah, I mean, I'd love to hear from people. I mean, you can find me on Facebook, I'm on Facebook, and then you can find me on my website www.kingsleycounselling.com. Therapist, non therapist, drop me a line. I do supervision as well. I'm always up for making connections, sorting out peer supervision. You just never know who you're going to click with.
Sarah Rees 34:31
Yeah, yeah. Fantastic. Thank you so much for sharing this and we will have you back on very soon.
Anna Kingsley 34:36
Fantastic. Thank you, Sarah.
Sarah Rees 34:38
Thank you.
Sarah Rees 34:42
Thank you for listening to today's episode of Ask the Therapist. I'll be discussing all you've heard in this episode and more over in the Therapists Corner community on Substack. To join me that just click on the link in the show notes. Until next time, take care of your mental well being as you continue on the path to becoming the best vision of yourself