Are you sober curious? Just finished Dry January? Find out more about the benefits of giving up alcohol in this episode with Alex and Lisa from Bee Sober.
In this episode, Sarah talks to Alex and Lisa from Bee Sober, a non-profit multi-award winning community with a difference.
They talk about their experiences of giving up alcohol, the benefits of being sober and how you can try it too.
Hear Lisa and Alex's stories at around 14 minutes, how to deal with cravings through community and accountability at 21 minutes, and top tips for giving up alcohol at 31 minutes.
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You can find a full transcript for this episode at www.ask-the-therapist.simplecast.com/episodes/bee-sober-with-alex-and-lisa/transcript
This episode was written and presented by Sarah Rees. It was edited by Big Tent Media and Produced by Emily Crosby Media.
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
drinking, people, sober, stopped, realise, lisa, days, podcast, anxiety, therapist, alex, alcohol, drinker, week, benefits, bit, community, experiment, listening, sleep
Welcome to Ask The Therapist, a monthly podcast for everyone who's interested in how our minds work building resilience through journaling, and all things therapy. I'm your host, Sarah Rees, a mental health nurse and CBT therapist with over 20 years of experience in the field of mental health.
Hello, and welcome to episode 41 of Ask The Therapist.Its lovely to have you here today I'm talking with Alex and Lisa. So two guests today, they are from the sober experiment, Bee Sober, I am very sober curious. And I also think that how many of us drink the recommended units of 14 units of alcohol a week, I think many people drink in excess of that, that are in that kind of grey area drinking. And as a therapist, I see people who I think alcohol is the elephant in the room. And we don't often touch in it. And that's something that I know next year, I'll probably be focusing on a little bit more with my clients. And when this comes out, this will be released in February, I will have done dry January. And I kind of have to do it now. Because Alex and Lisa have said that they want me on that podcast, tell me how it's gone. So they've nailed me down with that one. They run a 30 day sober experiment that's available on their website. I will link to it in the show notes. And I will update you on how I'm going. But this episode is full of advice and brilliant motivation, you are going to want to give 30 days of sober a go after listening to this enjoy. So thank you so much both for coming on Alex and Lisa, Alex rad her Lisa dark cat, thank you for coming on as a therapist, it's the first time I have interviewed two people. So I don't know how I can get it wrong, but feels a bit more nerve wracking than just love. So we'll, we'll see how we get on. So this episode is gonna go out where most people will have done dry January. And I'm gonna I didn't know whether to say it on here because I feel like we will do it, do it. Do it. Well, my birthday is the 25th of January. So I always think I'm going to stop in the first to the 25th. And the only longest I've ever done is two weeks. So embarrassing to say. We did the same. I never got past the fifth before. So but no, never. That's nice to know. That's so nice to know. I think because we were saying about that we both know ash, he recommended a lady called Jackie to me who's a nutritional therapist in Winslow. And again, I went for one or two sessions with her I think of Messina for about six years now. And she got me to do two weeks once of not drinking and it was really insightful. So I'd love to kind of do the month. So I will and if I do, I'll come on and do a little update at the end of this podcast. So lots of people will have done a month of no drinking and then they kind of get back to it. And I know that that month is really useful for people and it really helps people moderate their drinking for the rest of the year. But what do you think from your experience people be noticing at the end of a month? I think that requires a mixture you know, okay, thinking back to when we used to try and do dry January's or sober October's, there might be lots of people that are listening, that are actually really bored and fed up and thinking, Ah, get into February, you know, I want to drink. But I think if you really think about it and start to focus on all the benefits and things that have actually happened over the last month, you will get a lot more from it. That's kind of our top tip usually, isn't it to kind of see it as an experiment and focus on the benefits rather than just trying to white knuckle through it. But I think physically as well, at the end of a month your liver doors actually start to heal and your immune system which we all need will will pretty much be after a month off back to full health. So that's just some of the physical benefits. Nevermind all the other ones but yeah, sleep
100% people within the first two weeks, you notice a massive improvement in sleep. And I don't think we know enough as a society about the impact that even moderate alcohol intake has asleep because what happens is that when you drink alcohol, which is a sedative and a depressant, your body tries to counter that by purging Send and release in stimulants. So what happens is in the middle of the night, on the day, you better drink and for days afterwards, your body's in an over productive state of having too many stimulants in it if you like there's too many floating around. So that results in having that anxiety that you you get the benefit, or our and our results in poor sleep quality, where you're not actually end to improper sleep, you just unconscious at the beginning of the night, and then less are awake for the end. So if you're even two weeks without any drink, your sleep improves your sleep cycles fully returned to normal. And yeah, and that it takes up to 10 days to do that. So even if you're just a weekly drinker, never get the state proper sleep. Wonderful things that's been huge for me this last Christmas, I got an aurora ring, and it tracks lots of things. But one of the things that tracks is sleep because I you know, I talk a lot to my clients about sleep, I feel like it's the foundation of really good mental health. And what if I have one alcoholic drink, my heart rate increases. And I see that overnight, and that has been one of the biggest shocks for me. They realise realising and it has because now I don't drink in the week I drink at the weekend. But I literally wandering and then wait a couple of hours before I go to sleep doesn't matter. My heart rate is increased hugely in the start of the night. So it's really important to know as well we will weakly drinkers. So like even though we are completely sober now we can completely relate to anyone who says Well, I only drink kind of Friday, or I only drink kind of Saturday, because that was you know, we would have up to our speed for me, I would have a bottle of wine on a Friday and a bottle of wine on a Saturday. By most people's standards. That isn't a heavy drinker. Yeah, it was impacting my life so much for days and days afterwards, without even realising it that actually, I only realised it was impacting my life once I'd stopped and Lisa says that as well. Yeah, yeah, that's so interesting, isn't it. So lots of people have done a month been seeing some mixed results. And I think it's a great tip, what you recommend about people not focusing on the benefits, one thing I really recommend is people journal, especially wanting to make behaviour change. Because whenever I've made changes in my life, that's the only way it's been looking back over what I've written over the last few weeks and thinking oh my god, otherwise, you missed some of the benefits don't you know so. So at a mum lip has started to kind of get back to normal. So if people wanted to carry on and we've got to feel like we've got lots of people in a really interesting phase, now, they've done a month, what would they notice if they did another month? I think they saw much, I think skin is a big one. I think my skin improved so much. And my hair we shine it and eyes we always see a lot of our members do before and after pictures. Or it's such a good idea. Because honestly, with just a month off, you physically look so different. And one of the biggest things we find is here, around people's eyes bought spot, all in the eyes stop difference, but hair graph nails, nails. Yeah. And for me personally, the reduced anxiety massively. And can I ask what's often maybe maybe it's important for women is that I mean, I didn't know to myself, and with clients that have that have a break from our calf, that they expect this really weight loss really quickly. So I did two weeks and didn't and the calories that I wasn't having. And they stopped for two weeks and not uploading bounded drop from my hips. I put on way I actually put on weight to be honest, I did in the first year I put on weight and the reason that I put on weight is because what I found was I've started to replace that we can have it with eating sweets or having takeaways, because I started to get in the mindset of well, what am I going to have a treat now, so it's really important that if you want to lose weight, that you're not not just relying on cutting alcohol some people do. Many people do actually many people just do lose weight, but not everybody does. And if you're just doing it for weight loss, you might find that you're going to be disappointed because it's still about calories in versus calories out so
keep it poker as well. I think people miss especially if people are nightly drinkers and having a couple of glasses each night it's that sugar cravings so I think stocking up on really healthy and you know people do this at this time of year anywhere but stocking up on the healthy snacks rather than reaching for the doughnuts or chocolate buttons Alex chocolate buttons and a cup of tea. Well, you know what if you're gonna put on a little bit of weight, but get all the amazing benefits of not drinking, it's really really worth it is, yeah, it's worth a few pounds, it is worth it. And the thing is what what you gain in weight you also gaining energy or what you don't lose any weight, you gain energy. So actually, even though I did put on weight, I had the energy and motivation to do something about it. And you know, you're not waking up on a Monday just that little bit tired or just that little bit below par. You're good to go all week. It's like you're like the you know that? Was it. The other everybody was it called? Yeah, everybody, but you really are you just full of energy all the time. I think we're a bit too much for people, sometimes sober people. I want to add to it by Mondays. Because, you know, that's one of the biggest things when I used to drink Monday would come and I'd be like, Oh, I've got work. And Mondays always will be. There's a lot of Mondays right in your life. We might as well enjoy them. And I think Mondays now are genuinely, really enjoyable. I don't ever mourn about going to work. You know, we have be fit sessions at 6:30am, which on a Monday, and we actually get off on one or be there. It's amazing. When I have that two weeks off at what I noticed is I actually started to sleep last night because I needed to Yes, I think the quality of sleep was a lot better. So I was very bad at kind of go to sleep at 11. But I was up at half, six, just going back to sleep again as well. Like a lot of people will say I just have one to help me get to sleep. Okay, so it's what happens is that your body starts to rely on that drink to be the knockout and it stops producing its own melatonin. So at the beginning, don't be surprised if you find it harder to get to sleep as well. Another thing, but after a few weeks, that recovers, just bear with it. That's really interesting. Thank you. Um, one of the things I years ago, my backgrounds in Mental Health Nursing, so I have worked in kind of alcohol units and stuff, and years ago was probably very outdated. Now what we used to sometimes recommend was people have orange juice at night, because some of it's the sugar craving, which I know you've just heard that word. At least it's not alcohol, but is still loads of sugar is some of her kind of wanting a drink actually wanting sugar Jiefang. I think in the beginning of in the beginning, there is a genuine if not a physical dependency and emotional dependency. So if you're used to winding down with a drink, it's how do I get to a place where I now wind down without something doing it for me. So at the beginning, I think there's a genuine craving for that feeling. But if you're still finding that after a week, then it's not that because once the alcohols out your system, it is habit. So it is sugar, it is other things. So that's why it's so important for us that you don't just grip on like you were describing with willpower. But you actually do something about your mindset and you learn that you do a little bit of self development. If people have done a dry January and they want to carry on for 30 days, we actually have a free sober experiment on our website, we'll give you the link for it. And you can do 30 days a little short videos. It's also as long as you don't mind is popping in every day. Truly, three to five minutes of task length and it's every day you get a video that works on your mindset. So you're learning things about yourself you're learning things about your mindset, you're learning things about your habits, the alcohol industry gives you something to focus on saying a little bit well I might share this in kind of because I'll be kind of British air in that I'm doing it so I'll share it in my emails and stuff to give an hour. link in the show notes. That's fantastic. What was the turning point for you both to kind of stop drinking finally, people always think we did it together because kind of valve will be so our business plan our thought experiment podcasts together. So I'm we're doing together now.
I suppose. It was me that went first and I was genuinely just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired every single Monday morning. So I wasn't an everyday drinker had cracked in a little bit in the week. You know, I'd sneak a White Wine Wednesday. No thirsty, thirsty, thirsty. No. And again, I could find an excuse if I wanted but it was it was mainly weekends and I would class myself as a binge drinker. I'd got quite a lot going at home I was in a really unhealthy relationship. I had three teenagers living at home that were having all their own wild issues at that time. And what I found that I was doing When instead of kind of showing up and facing up to them, when it came to a weekend, I was kind of racing through the week to get to a weekend to get a glass of wine or go away with my friends to just switch off from it all. And I was using my weekends to escape the reality of what was going on at home. And personally, I'd gone out on a Sunday for Sunday tea, and woke up with the most horrific hangover ever. I didn't make it to work on that Monday, and I ran my own business. So it's not good when you can show up for your own business. And that that was a turning point for me. I'd heard a few people that stopped drinking it, I'd always fascinated me because I've never even dreamt I never even thought about it never occurred to me that I would not drink because it was all I knew it was what anyway to socialise. It was what I knew I had to release my anxiety in the pressures. So yeah, on that Monday, I downloaded an audible book called The unexpected joy of being sober. And literally, there were a few kind of like, Oh, my God, that's me things that I won't really admit to and things that have never really occurred to me before. And that kind of thing. But she talks in there about doing 100 debt, taking 100 days off to really start to feel the benefits. And I've never really completed 30 days. And if I add that, like Winston mourned my hallway through, but that morning, I put on my social media, I was like, You know what I'm going to do 100 days. And if it was on my social media, I was doing it just like new Sarah, you've put this out there now. So you've got to decorate and there was no going back. And during that time I kind of immersed myself into, there's a whole cyber community out there, which I never even knew existed, people won't know it existed. And the amazing thing is, it's what I would class and I don't, I shouldn't really use this word, but as as normal people, people like, like, but I felt like I was and they were stopping drinking just because they were fed up or there are. So that was kind of my turning point that I needed to show up for me. I needed to show up for my kids and to be more present. And I thought I'll just give it 100 days. Fantastic. And what about you, Alex? So it's a little bit complicated mine. So mine was a whole year later than Lisa's. So we've been best friends. For anyone who doesn't know or doesn't know our story. We've been best friends since the beginning of high school, which is over 30 years now. So we've done everything together, we'd have gaps in our friendship, we've been out together. We've been moms, we've got married, we've got divorced, everything kind of together. And Lisa told me she'd stop drinking. And of course, I just saw this won't last, you know, we'll be out again in a few weeks. She's only doing 100 days. It's fine. I can get through it. I can get my way.
But in the meantime, unfortunately, since Silesia stopped in the July and in the October I had a miscarriage just over 12 weeks. And I found out that my scam, and I was my drinking had already increased prior to that, prior to even being pregnant. I where I'd actually had quite a big argument with my husband one night, and he'd said I'm sick of us like getting aggressive in drink. And I said, verbally aggressive. So I said I'll stop then. So I decided to stop drinking but didn't for one minute believe award it was just to pacify him until it passed. And it was all right again. And then literally within the week of saying I was stopping I found out I was pregnant. So it kind of took any work I needed to do on myself, because I'd never drunk in my pregnancy. So I was like, right, I'm fine. I can just be pregnant now. And by the end of the pregnancy, I'll be alright start drinking again. Anyway, three months in, I had the miscarriage and it was like a switch. I literally went from being what I would consider a reasonably okay drinker into quite a dangerous drinker. So I wasn't drinking every morning or anything like that. But I was completely drowning my sorrows were there. I had the scan on the Friday and as soon as they told me that there was no heartbeat, I went straight to the pub and got on the wine that day didn't even wait for surgery. So it was already really unhealthy. Anyway, fast forward, and it wasn't getting any better. And I developed a diagnosed anxiety disorder and depression. And I was literally at a point where I hated being alive. That's the truth. I hated being alive. I was having nightmares. I was waking up in the morning and just not wanting to be there was in a really bad way. And Lisa came around to my house kind of May June time and I just was I was in such a bad way. You know and she just said Come Let's go for a walk. And we went out for a while because she said, why don't you just take a little break from drinking and just see if we can get you back to a place where you can work on yourself. After 30 days, I felt like everything was so much better. My anxiety got so much better. Why don't you just take a break to kind of dwell on that for a little while, and then lightly, so I woke up with another really bad hangover in June, founder up and said, I'm going to do it. So I did 30 days and just lightly so well, within the 30 days, because it was doing the work. I knew I'd never go back. Right. Wow, that's really powerful. Thank you for sharing that. So have there been times where it's got tricky? Sounds like you started with this huge motivation. But then life can happen, or, I mean, it's socially one of the things that is so socially unacceptable, isn't it? There's so much I mean, I think it's appalling, really, it's getting better there are you know, and I love that there's lots of young people kind of being sober now. And you know that, but I was kind of brought up in the 70s, where the box of wine from from coatings in the, in the back of the van. That's my background, it was, it was really glamorous. But when I looked back and pictures of my mum drinking now, she was drinking 125 mil glass of probably 11% wine. And now you can pretty much better bottle of 13% in the glass. I mean, it's just changed. But hopefully attitudes are changing. What How did you manage the tricky times where you're like, Oh, I just want to drink. For me, it's not really tricky time so much as I'll be allowed to swear on your podcast, go pray. Yeah, it's like that. It's like, those moments are fucking, you know, those moments are just fucking like, literally if something's going wrong. And you just have a little moment where you take your eye off the ball, or you just think, Oh, hey, everything, just those moments you get, it might be fleeting, that I could just have a drink now. And I think that, I'd say there's for both of us. And then if there's anything to add, but we've got each other now, and having other people who do this, whether that be a community, or a friend, or somebody you can talk to really keeps you accountable. So through those moments, and we do get them and they're fleeting, and they're rare. But we would get on the phone to each other and say, Oh, my God, I could just have a drink now. And the other one would say, Well, you're not going away. Yeah. And it's like, well, no, I'm not. But you know, so I think, I think top tip for me there is having people to depend on and that they don't have to be people, you know, that can be the community that can be the support group that can be Instagram. But having people who just get where you're out is really useful.
I think it's important. So like you did the analysis about the community, people that haven't stopped, I've never stepped foot into something like what we offer, and sometimes have this vision that there's a lot of ex alcoholic sat there talking about the old days or whatever. And it's just not like that. It's that moment of actually, like Alex said, having somebody to talk to that just gets it that you can literally say, oh my gosh, me too. And that was my biggest thing. Especially in the beginning, I was in a Facebook group. And when I ever got tempted because I didn't have Alex when I stopped. And in truth, it was a really long the place really long that I found because I'm a Family drank all my friends drank. I didn't know what else to do. So it was difficult. So when I difficult times there would be because I was probably because I was lonely. And if I did go to a pub or a bar, I didn't feel like I really fitted in with my people anymore. Then as time has gone on, what I realised is I was drinking to fit in anywhere. And they genuinely weren't my people. But that's been kind of a long process coming in. But loneliness. I think so like Alec says get a community whether that be online, and Sarah, you touched on it before about journaling made such a huge difference. Just writing it down and getting it out there. I wrote so many blog posts, many of which I didn't actually publish, but just to get it from out of my head onto a screen or into a book massively helped. And tasses really great advice. Thank you. And we touched on some a lot of the physical benefits and some around anxiety and depression before but as I think, you know, I'm a therapist, I do lots of one to one therapy, and I think it's 30 you know, drinking so normalised. And as we don't touch on kind of how much are you drinking and think about the impact on mental health, but my sense is like, you know, most people drinking over the recommended is it 14 units a week now. So it's likely to be having a huge impact on people's mental health and we should be kind of looking at it a lot more as therapists what were the kind of pay benefits with your mental health. For me, definitely less anxiety, I would have what we would call high anxiety. So I would wake up on a Sunday morning on Monday and be like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe I said that, or I can't believe I did that. But what I found was that was actually leading into the week, and I never realised I just thought I was quite an anxious person. So if I got a phone, call off a number that I didn't know, I'd be worried to pick my phone up, even at work, you know, having to make phone calls, I'd have to really build myself up to do it. So I just thought I was anxious all of the time. And when I stopped drinking, that for me, and it doesn't for everybody, and it really doesn't. But that for me just kind of completely disappeared in the week, I still have nervous moments. And I would say I had social anxiety, you know, when going into situation with lots of people, I get really nervous. But in the week, I'm absolutely fine. So much more confident as well, I think, Yeah, mine was the opposite. So I'd had this bearing in mind, I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. And it actually got 100 times worse before it got better. Because when I cut out, when I cut out the alcohol, I wasn't even taking the edge off anything anymore. So you're feeling it or really feeling my body also wasn't making the right chemicals to be able to counter anything that was going on. So my anxiety actually really, really spiked for about, I think it took about three months for me to really start to feel the benefits of that. But once I did, it is gone. I'm off medication, I don't need any intervention at all. And the biggest benefit for me is I can recognise it now. So obviously, if you've if you've got clinical anxiety or clinical depression, it doesn't just go away. It's not just like, I'll take a pill and it'll be fixed. Without that medication. I do have moments where I can feel myself slumping, but I can feel myself slumping. I didn't have that awareness before. So now before I get into a state of being in a really bad place, I recognise it. And I have the tools to be able to pull myself round, or to sort of go to a therapist and say, I need some help. I can feel that this is affecting me, or can I have some coaching? I can feel that this is effective. But before I didn't know that, I just felt bad all the time. Yeah, it is interesting that maybe a lot of us think it's just who we are an app that
could be drinking it is that and I think you know, we talked before about the physical and the recommended units and all that. But even within the recommended limits, you are going to exploit it. This is not just made up in our opinion, you will experience some impact on your nervous system. Because if you're putting any amount of depressant into your body, any amount, then your body will try and counter that with stimulant. So it's always going to end up that you've got some level of anxiety afterwards, even if it's not a disorder. Yeah, it's a poison at the end of the day, isn't it? You're pulling into the potting? Yeah, it is. Yeah, we try not to say that too early on in a podcast Sara because it frightens people after we're like, you know, impostor, well marketed poison.
Yeah. And did you either have any coaches or therapists that you work with them? And you've touched on kind of having a community and how important that is? Did you have any kind of one to one therapy or coaching? You know what the beginning I've never actually spoke about this because I don't know why I forgot. But I would when I first stopped drinking, I was saying before bed with teenagers, and I was going through quite a lot with my youngest daughter. So with that, we spent quite a bit of time comes and we had a lot of what she was going through. And when I was kind of sat there listening with her, it massively massively helped me on my, on my journey. In fact, I did realise we were talking about this before where it really is, but I 100% think I've got adult ADHD and but that seems stopping stopping drinking that like that's come to life. But by sitting in these situations with my daughter, that kind of helped a lot, but I've not actually seen a therapist, Alex and I are both qualified coaches. So we've kind of pushed ourselves up and and you know what, we still saw her so I reckon we're pretty good at it. Yeah, I'm similar to Lisa. I was having therapy because of the miscarriage, but never ever put two and two together with the alcohol. I actually stopped drinking while I was still seeing her She was really very encouraging about me carrying on with that. But it wasn't ever suggested in my therapy. And I think what you said before about, you know, talking about the impact of alcohol in Sara, we need to get the two married off. We really do don't we? It's kind of the elephant in the room. It's so normalised it's the the drug that's really socially acceptable, isn't anyone because you know, you do see one of our members is a GP. And she said that one of the things that stopped her recommending it to other people, so cut down on the drinking, because she's our What a hypocrite, I go home after work and have a glass of wine. So you know, it's not as well. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. So as you're both coaches, then what would be the five most helpful things you'd recommend people think about? If they're thinking of kind of keeping off the booze or going to, from listening to this gonna think about having a break either 30 days or 100? We're gonna have to start I think with to commit to 30 days. And you know what, give us up on that Sabra experiment of God because making that firm commitment kind of tells you that you're good at keeping commitments, and you will, you will stay sober for that. 30 days. And I think what we've touched on is working on the mindset, please don't wait no colour and just wait for the end of the month to come. Because you're gonna just have a rubbish waste month, see it as an experiment, see who you are, without drinks. See how you react in situation? You know, if you've got a party coming up or a birthday, Sara, then you know, when? When did we last have a sore birthday? What was a lie? How did you act on that? What did I do instead? You know, I think just seeing it as an experiment is my number one top tip, brilliant, read and listen to things to educate yourself is our number two. So there's loads of podcasts out there, I was included, there's loads of audio books. So if you if you don't want to sit and read most of the Quizlet, the quick Quizlet, or just the literature that people help us quite with. There's so many good books out there. So just a couple of our top ones are Claire poo, lay the sober diaries. That's more of a memoir style. Lots of down Mrs. days going without, there is William Porter alcohol explained. I think there are top three out there really, I think as well. I've got mindfulness, and working out what your triggers are for drinking, if you can just take some time to kind of sit back and think, why do I drink and when and get a plan ready for that. And I'm a sucker for gratitude and know not everybody loves this. But the science behind it really good science behind it increasing your mood, there's evidence in it. Yeah, definitely, I think focusing on gratitude. That's one of the things that I talked about journaling is I recommend people do gratitude because sometimes especially if your mood is low, we can go into this write quite negative stuff and kind of spiral down and always finishing, journaling with some gratitude can really kind of counteract that
using little techniques like halt. So checking in with yourself, when you do get a craving, don't automatically assume it's a craving. So halt is hungry, angry, lonely, tired. There are four of the top triggers, if you can check in whether you're hungry or thirsty, or whether you're emotional, or whether you're just feeling you need some connection or whether you're tired, it can stop you automatically jumping in, to take a drink. Have a little self checking a little word with yourself. And I suppose that's really what Lisa said about mindfulness as well. I'm write down all the above, we could go on forever. Write down all the reasons that you do enjoy drinking. So you know, like, for and against list. Yeah, pros and cons kind of thing. Yeah. What Not yet, like, be honest with yourself, like, what do you love about drinking? Because I think sometimes, and then do that at the beginning and do it at the end? Because people must like it, otherwise you won't be doing it. So there's obviously reasons and I think when you can look at them reasons. Your workout, you're wise, which I think is very, very important. That's great. And then can I just ask when you're going to go into social situations now? Do you go into pubs and stuff? Do you what do you train? It depends where you're going. You know, some, some bars, especially around Manchester city centre are actually pretty good. Like there's a place called Dishoom that has a full sobriety menu. You know, which is amazing. And you can get like non alcoholic espresso martinis and cocktails and non alcoholic beers. This Prosecco now, but not a lot of places are a bit like having a Christmas do in a hotel. And when asked what the non alcoholic alternatives were, it was like Coke and lemonade. That was it. And you know, we still want to feel like a grown up when we're in a car He caught with a bit of orange juice in it. But I think if there isn't an alternative, really good trick is to get something like a tonic water or lemonade or whatever. But make them dress it up like they would get it in a nice glass. Tell him you don't want the little tumbler thing you want a nice big glass you want some ice, you want some lemon, you want it to look through tech, just feeling the part can actually make you act the part like we we've been clubbing we've been for brunches. We've been to restaurants. I've been to parties. We've both done weddings, we're both on holidays, there really isn't anything that you can't do it. I think the thing is, it just takes longer. So whereas you might you know if you think about when you were a kid and you went to a birthday party, you know that moment where you're clinging on to your parents leg and you don't want to go and then once you've done it URI, it's like that when you're sober. So you watch everyone dancing, and you have to build yourself up to it. Don't expect that you're going to be the life and soul of the party on your very first sober night. Because you're not It feels weird at first. I think that's that's the truth i If you've not got something that's loosening you all, it takes a bit of time to relax into it. You know what as well, don't, you might realise that you actually don't like going out. And that's how I know it's true. I found like I was the life and soul of everywhere I went, I was the first one to the bat and the last one home. So everybody thought it was a party animal. And actually what I've found since I've stopped drinking is I love being at home. I love doing normal things. And I find so much joy in just ordinary stuff. And that's our right you don't have to be the centre of attention of a party animal. These are kids when joy is sitting there with a cup of tea and if other people think that's boring, well, stuff and they're gonna have an angle over the next year you're not. And then No, whenever I go out and I drive, which I don't mind doing is quite quickly you see people's behaviour to tear Ray. Just so quickly. Don't you just go class, I'm not tricking you can motivate you to keep up with love past people watching in a non judgy way, of course. cringing because you're like, oh my gosh, that was me. You know, I went to a concert once and there was a there was a girl in front of me. And honestly, I cringe the whole time but not for her in any way. But because all I could think was That was me. Like, did I think that people couldn't hear me or see? It's like you have these blinkers on, isn't it? Have you ever gone out and then gone to the bathtub if you forgot something? You've gone to pick up your car the next day? And I've thought this tiny that everybody must have heard everything outside? It's all? Well, it's fantastic. Oh, you shared such great advice. I'm sure everybody that's just in dry. January's gonna go for another 30 days. Now the question I asked all my guests is kind of what would you say to your 15 year old selves and adjust to where did you know each other at 50? Yeah, yeah, we did. So what would you say to your sales? If you could go back to that younger version of yourself?
You know, most people expect me to say here don't start doing kin I'm a genuine, they wouldn't say that. I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I genuinely wouldn't change my drinking days because I had a laugh. I did. I had a laugh. I had some awful times. But I also had a laugh. But what I would say is that to trust you got because I remember the peer pressure of starting drinking and I didn't want to start drinking. I really didn't want to start drinking when I did. So I think to my 15 year old self. That's what I would say is not don't do this and don't do that. But just trust your instincts and have the confidence to stand by what you want. Because that I just wish I'd have given in so easily because maybe I wouldn't have started drinking. And that I wouldn't say don't like to say but I don't think I'd have chosen to start drinking if I'd really listened to myself. I didn't like the idea of it. So just myself listen to yourself and and it is going to be alright. I just said don't be friends with Alex. No more partying. It's true by the way everything we serve a started out as a bad behaviour I instigated so she did, I would really say is that I tell myself that I'm not the only person that feels the way that I do. I would tell myself to be less afraid and not worrying too much about what people think are say. And a big one I tell myself is to not be afraid of silence. And then I've told myself lots I'd have like I'd run it yourself a ballcap delay. I will try it myself and do it they were to get through your life Lisa another one and I know it's really cliche, but is too Is to genuinely just be yourself and you will attract the right type of people because it because it really is an often I think I've spent so much of my life trying to fit into situations that I've not felt comfortable in, because I've been so frightened to just be myself. That's fantastic. Thank you so much. And can you tell us about your community and you you've got a podcast, where people can find you and be a part of everything you're doing. Alex is good at this bit. So before, because Can I just say honestly, thank you so much for having us. And being able to we'd love spreading the word about sobriety, and honest to god is the best thing that's ever ever, ever happened to me. And when people listen, we never knew we'd get sober. And people used to laugh at us all the time didn't Alex when they realise that we were sober? Put it it's changed my life so much for the better, every single part of that. And I just want people to know that they can do it even on the days we think we can. Oh, thank you so much for sharing what she said. And yeah, so you can find I think the best place to start we're on Instagram at the sobered up CIC so if you just want a little distance nosy have a look at us there, everything we do is on our website, which is www dot B is in the BB V sober official COMM And that's got links to everything. And I think the the podcasts can be found on there as well. Tiny bit of background about that the the podcast is called the sober experiment, because that's how we saw our journey then. And it's how we still see our journey. Now everything we do every single day is an experiment. And if you can keep open minded all along the way and just see what things are like, like Lisa said, You've got much more chance of being successful. But everything we're on all the major platforms, for podcasts, and our community, you can get involved by basically joining our free support group on Facebook following us on Instagram, or we do have a subscription, monthly membership, if you want to actually join the community and you're ready to take the plunge, which is amazing, really safe, and it genuinely is amazing. And the reason we do monthly is all the money goes back into the community. We're a CIC, which not many people realise so we have to charge for the monthly subscription, but it all goes back in and when people need coaching or counselling, we can kind of help fund that within the community as well. Oh, what's the CIC just educate me on as a community interest company. So it's a nonprofit organisation. So any any profit goes back into the company and into the community. Right. That's amazing. Thank you so much. I'm so motivated. I feel like I've had like a fantastic coaching session and I've started listening to your podcast, and I will be on it in January because I really enjoyed it and I think you know what, those times where maybe it might get tricky. I'm gonna put on a an episode I listened to the one where you interviewed a rock star from America.
Oh, yeah. Who knew we'd be doing that we would repair a piece that's in the pulpit. We can never interviewing rock stars from interviewed a Hollywood star as well. Love and Sex addicts. Brianne Davis, that was and and somebody on death row. Yeah, we've had some really amazing opportunities. So yeah, have a little listen to some really exciting work pumped. God. Thank you so much. I've really enjoyed it. Thanks Sarah. Thank you for having me knows.
Thank you for listening to Ask The Therapist. For more information about the CBT journal, visit my website at Sarah derece.co.uk. You can also sign up to download your free guide to building emotional resilience delivered straight to your inbox. You will then also receive regular newsletters where I share my blog posts, podcasts and tips and strategies for better mental health and psychological resilience. Don't forget to review and subscribe to the podcast and you can also share episodes on social media using the hashtag ask the therapist. This episode was written and presented by me Sarah Rees and edited by Big Tent Media and produced by Emily Crosby Media